Ron Barrett

Stuck

From a TV commercial featuring Maldren Stuck wearing a white cowboy hat, a Western shirt, and a bolo tie: Get on down to any of the five Stuck Dodge-Chrysler showrooms and we’ll make you a deal you can’t match anywhere else! So get your butt down here. Don’t be shy. I’m not some stuck-up city feller or some Romanian sculptor or something. I’m just a good old country boy that’s ready and eager to give you some sat-is-fac-tion this very hot, hot, and sultry night! You betcha!

Note enclosed in a Hallmark card addressed to Mrs. Elsie Stuck: Surprise! You know I hate you, so you may wonder why I’m sending you a Mothers Day card. Buttface, the guy I’ve been sleeping with lately, bought the card and made me send it. Anyway, I hate you and I hope you die. You make me sick. Send money. As always, Cody Anne.

Dedication: “Yearning,” a sculpture by Timur Palankha, was the gift of Elsie and Maldren Stuck. The Stucks have generously contributed to the arts for many years.

From the journal of Elise Stuck: Can I help it that I’m stuck on Timur? I can’t get my mind off him. Even when Maldren insists on my fulfilling my wifely duties, I find myself thinking of Timur every minute. And fortunately it usually takes just one minute. I endure it by thinking of Timur. But I mustn’t scold Maldren when he talks about “that phony little Romanian.” It will only arouse his suspicions further if I remind him that Timur was born in Patsy, Arkansas, population 1012. The less talk about Timur…. Oh, Timur, Timur, just your name, your name alone…. The less I talk about him the better. My heart is pounding now. Right rear tire was a little low so I took it in for air. I feel stuck in a marriage I never really wanted, though I thought I did back when I was a foolish young girl yearning for love.

Dedication: “Yearning” by Timur Palankha was the very generous gift of Elise and Maldren Stuck. The sculpture is of a very slender young woman, standing precariously on one foot and looking up, her hands reaching towards the stars. She wears a diaphanous costume that displays her somewhat surprisingly voluptuous body.

From the obituary of Maldren Stuck, 1955-2011: Mr. Stuck expired after a brief illness. He was born in Chicago in 1955 and was known for his multiple Dodge/Chrysler dealerships, his folksy TV commercials, and his contributions to the arts. He is survived by two daughters, Cheyenne and Cody, and his wife, Elise.

Cee-Cee Chandler at a pool party at #1 Stuck Circle, Sunday, 3 pm: Oh, thank you kindly, you darling. Are these the little lobster sandwiches Elsie is famous for? I’ll take three, if I may. And this drink needs freshening. Thank you, thank you. So very kind of you. Oh, Elsie, there you are! How nice you look. Sorry, I mean, Elise. Oh, so so sorry about Maldren. So sad. Has it been a month already? Now let me look at you. Fabulous, fabulous. Love the crimson swimsuit and cape. Love the jeweled high-heeled flip-flops. Fire and ice. I have to find some flip-flops like that. Your posture makes your breasts look perkier. You could be Miss America if you were twenty years younger, perhaps, and about forty pounds lighter. A red satin banner across your chest. Oh, careful, Elsie! Jesus! Take my hand. Oh, my! There we go. These slick, wet travertine tiles. I can see those shoes are a bit of a problem, too. It you fall, it’s going to put a damper on things, you know. Are you steady now? It’s a wonderful party, by the way, and I see Timur over there. No, I don’t think he saw. He’s talking to that young blonde woman with the large chest. That flesh-colored swimsuit of his is so miniscule, it’s perfectly scandalous. Delectable. And what is he eating? An apple? I should have known he’d be a health nut. That body! You’re a lucky woman. You’ve come out of your chrysalis. Or your Chrysler, or whatever, ha ha. Love the butterfly sleeves on your cape. It’s a lovely, dear, wee party and these little lobster things are pure heaven. I want just two more and then I’ll die happy.

Elise’s dream, as told to her analyst: There I was on the sidewalk in front of the Happy Sunrise Chinese Restaurant, next door to Timur’s studio, and suddenly Timur came down his stairway stark naked, eating a bright red apple that had a big green worm emerging out of the side of it, like in a cartoon. It had big cartoon eyes with fluttery eyelashes. Strangely, Timur took no notice of me. I said, “Timur, it’s Elise,” but he seemed not to hear. I felt as if I were invisible and unable to move. I felt as if I were stuck to the sidewalk. Well, there is a lot of discarded chewing gum there. Then I realized belatedly that I was naked, too, except for my new high-heeled flip-flops. But I felt no shame, just disappointment by Timur’s indifference. I also had this sudden yearning for kung pao chicken. I was hungry for love and spicy chicken. So what does my dream mean, doctor? Oh, never mind. I see my time is up. Crap!

Dedication: “Yearning,” a sculpture by the exceedingly handsome young Romanian sculptor, Timur Palankha, was the more than generous gift of the philanthropist and art patron, Elise Stuck of #1 Stuck Circle, Surrey Meadows. Ms. Stuck, the former Elise Packer, is a Sagittarian.

From the obituary of Elsie Packer Stuck, 1966-2011: Ms. Stuck died of injuries sustained in an accidental poolside fall at her home at #1 Stuck Circle, Surrey Meadows. Ms. Stuck was born in Chicago, Illinois. Her mother was Mossy Packer. Her father was the handyman.

Dedication: “Nude with Apple,” a sculpture by Timur Palankha, was the gift of Cheyenne Melodie Stuck-Cardoza in memory of her father and mother, Maldren and Elise Stuck, now forever joined throughout eternity.

< back

 

Ron Barrett enjoys writing poetry and fiction. This is his first publication since his work appeared in his college literary magazine exactly one eon ago. He is rarely violent or dangerous.