R.S. Gwynn
Sects
The Baptists avoid having sex
While standing for fear it might vex
A God whose romancing
Rules don't include dancing
For reasons that simply perplex.* * *
That rational thinker, the Deist,
Among all the free-thinkers was freeest,
Placing all his reliance
On Reason and Science
And none on the words of a priest.* * *
Evangelical Christians are dead weights
‘round your necks if you're gay in the red states.
They are growing more numerous,
Rarely are humorous,
And seem awfully concerned with your bedmates.* * *
Freemasons employ many signs
To identify members of shrines,
So try one on a cop
When he asks you to stop
And you very well may avoid fines.* * *
One problem with being a Jew
Is there's really not much that is new—
No prophets since Daniel
At Tempel Emanuel
And prospects for future ones few.* * *
The Methodists warn their new preachers,
“Home churches aren't permanent features.
You can stay a few years,
Then you're out on your ears
To migrate like God's lesser creatures.”* * *
New Agers, while staring at quartz,
May be channeling a Spirit of sorts.
They show lots of flesh
As they hum to John Tesh
In hot tubs at West Coast resorts.* * *
Presbyterians all over Scotland
Are predestined to all that God's got planned;
In light of such power
Their Sundays are dour,
But on other days whiskey is not banned.* * *
The Shakers were truly unique
And their sexual habits were bleak.
A celibate life
Between husband and wife?
Still, they knew how to make an antique.* * *
Trinitarians argue the Trinity
Is a three-fold yet singular entity.
The mind walks a strange path
When it claims fuzzy math
Provides proof of the Maker's identity.* * *
The Vegans undoubtedly feel
Self-righteous in spurning The Veal.
But do they feel edgy
While slaying a Veggie
And dicing Him up for a meal?* * *
The Wiccan, along with the Druid,
May worship outside in the nude.
This strikes me as silly.
Don't they all get chilly?
Well, anyway, I couldn't do it!< back | next >
R.S. Gwynn is the author of No Word of Farewell: Selected Poems 1970-2000. In 2004, he received the Michael Braude Award for Light Verse from the Academy of Arts and Letters. He teaches at Lamar University in Beaumont, Texas.
